My sweet Finley Grace,

You are one year old today. This has truly been the sweetest year filled with the absolute sweetest devotion.

I remember the first time I heard Sweetest Devotion by Adele. I loved the song. I love all of Adele’s music. But this song…when I became pregnant…I began to love it for others reasons. I would listen to it and imagine what it would be like to have and feel the ‘sweetest devotion’ to a child. And then when I had you my sweet girl, and when I became a mother it was no longer a song of what I thought something might feel like. It became a feeling. An emotion. A bond. A sweet sweet sweet devotion.

Here’s a snippet of the lyrics…

I’ve been looking for you, baby

In every face that I’ve ever known

And there is something ’bout the way you love me

That finally feels like home

You’re my light, you’re my darkness

You’re the right kind of madness

And you’re my hope, you’re my despair

You’re my scope, everything, everywhere

On the surface, I knew what the lyrics meant but at the same time I had no idea what they meant. I was clueless to how a child could be ‘my darkness’ or ‘my despair’. And don’t misunderstand me, you are not despair nor could you ever be darkness but it’s more just to say that becoming a mother will put you through the ringer of emotions. At least it did for me but there is one part of the song that has become the core of who I am… “you’re my scope, everything, everywhere.”

Before you, I truly couldn’t wrap my brain around what that meant and how deeply it would effect everything about me. My vision bends through you now. You my darling, are my scope. And for the past year, my eyes have been on you.

Every day, since the day you were born, I have found myself studying and watching you. I have pored over you intently; watching you grow and learn and experience new things.

When you were first born, I’d just sit and watch you sleep. I’d watch your chest rise and fall and I’d weep over how perfect every single inch of your sweet little face was. And here we are a year later and I still find myself doing that. I have found so much joy in watching your every move. When you meet new people, see new things, play with new toys, watch new cartoons, taste new foods, and do new tricks, my eyes have been on you. Everyday brings something new and different to you and I love watching you experience all of it.

I see the world differently now. I watch the news with a different mindset now. I have a different perspective. When we are in town, I see people through you now. You see everyone the same no matter their color or where they work or what they do or what they are wearing. You see people and you usually hand out a smile and a wave to everyone you see. And even though it’s a little difficult at times for this introvert (bc it usually means I have to talk and smile and wave too) but I love watching you interact with other people. Keep on seeing people and loving people and smiling at them. You make me a better person and you never know who’s day you might make better with your sweet little smile and tiny little wave.

You have changed me. I am quite taken by you. And your daddy is too. We aren’t just playing house. It isn’t dress rehearsal. We aren’t practicing. We are currently living the show. This is it. This is our story. This is our life. This is YOUR life my sweet Finley. Your LIFE. There are no redos. We, with help of our friends and family and with grace and guidance from above, we are shaping you. Every night before I lay you down I pray for protection and health and wellness and passion. I pray that you will find what makes your heart beat strong and fast. I pray that you will be kind hearted and that you will love God and love others and love your parents and love yourself. I want you to love yourself which is something your mama has always struggled with. I hope that despite my shortcomings, I can teach you to love that magnificent physical vessel that is carrying your beautiful heart and soul. If we raise you to love others and to love yourself, if we can teach you that, then we will have fulfilled a very large part of our new found purpose.

Happy Birthday Finley Grace. I adore you my beautiful and sweet, precious little girl.