This is undoubtedly the most personal blog post I’ve ever written and one that even at this moment, I’m still hesitant to post. Some of you may remember my Blades of Green post from a couple years ago where I touched on this social media front that we all put on and how the envy that resides in our heart is often times based on the facade that others display. Where even if we never audibly utter the words “if only I were as _______ as so-and-so then I would be ______.” we still feel that way in our heart. It is that blog post and that belief, that deep down we think that if only we could attain this seemingly unattainable thing that someone else has then we would be happier, that has led me to this blog post.

So many of  you, my friends and family, have commented and noticed how happy I am since having had Finley. And I am, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am so happy. These last 9 months have been the happiest of my entire life. I have experienced more joy in the past 9 months than some people experience in a lifetime. Which is one reason why I’m so baffled by the fact that not only has this been the happiest time, it has also been the unhappiest time. It is true that where there is light there is also darkness and in this case, where there is extreme light there is also extreme dark. Call it postpartum depression if you want. It doesn’t really matter. The root here is depression. Another puzzling truth is, I have a good life and I’m very fortunate for more reasons than I can count. I wish I knew what it was about depression that makes it grab ahold of some people while others remain unaffected. But regardless of the reason one deals with it and regardless of whether or not you yourself struggle with it or if you know someone that struggles with it, it is real and it is FAR more common that you might think. I know this goes without saying but money, success,  good looks, a good job, and a nice house don’t protect you from depression.  People are hurting deep inside. All around there is hurt which is why we need to be kind to one another because you never know what someone may be dealing with.  There is a very small number of my closest friends(my tribe) that are aware that I sometimes flirt with depression. But no one knows how I dine with it every single day. That’s what this blog post is about. That is what I want to call attention to. Well, actually two things. One thing that we need to stop doing and one thing we need to start doing.

We have got to stop thinking that, the fantasy that is social media, needs to be or should be our reality. I use the words fantasy and reality because they are directly opposite of one another. The definition of reality: the world or the state of things as they actually exist, AS OPPOSED to an idealistic or notional idea of them. We are inundated with media. Both news media and social media. It comes at us from every angle and somehow we have got to learn a way to reign in our thoughts. Here is a perfect example of fantasy vs. reality when it comes to social media. There is a family on Instagram. They have thousands of followers. Their platform for which they have built this following is that they…sold everything they had to live like nomads with their children and travel the world…Sounds pretty awesome right? Just sell everything and pack you and your kids up and travel the world doing all of these incredible things and seeing all of these incredible places. Life is an adventure! Who needs a job??….you wanna know who needs a job? I DO! You know who else? YOU DO! You wanna know why they don’t need a job? BECAUSE THEY ARE MILLIONAIRES! Seriously, he sold a tech company for millions of dollars and now they travel the world. Now, this isn’t bashing them because they are doing a lot of wonderful humanitarian type things along the way. Which is all well and good and wonderful but if you follow them how can you not be envious of their lifestyle and think “man, they’ve got it made.” But the thing is, unless you have a million bucks stashed away somewhere or you win the lottery, their lifestyle will forever be a fantasy for you. It is so totally far from reality.

Let me give you aother small yet not so small example of how something I saw on social media has effected me…a photo that I came across on Instagram. It was a picture of the number display on a scale with the caption “hello pre-pregnancy weight” A simple photo with a simple caption spurred so much anguish inside of me. Here I am 9months later weighing in at the same exact weight that I was when I CHECKED IN to the hospital. The same exact weight that I was while I still had a 6lb 10oz baby girl inside of me. Haven’t lost any of the weight. Not. One. Pound. Never mind the fact that I only gained  20lbs (which is pretty impressive if you ask me). Never mind that small success. For some reason now that doesn’t matter. So when I see someone post this, who is just one month out, INSTANTLY I shift into “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? I’m so fat. Blah blah blah.” And it does something to me and for some reason it is usually counterproductive instead of productive. So so so many things that I see, I allow to contribute to the depression and it begins to pile up. Throughout my life I have doubted my worth and questioned myself. “Am I too much this?” or “Am I enough that?” And since having become a mother, the questioning of myself has increased exponentially. Its crazy how I can long to be so present in every moment but, at the same time,  wish I could just disappear. My mind is constantly flooded with questions and doubts and fears. All of which can be condensed into one word ANXIETY. Often times, in an effort to clear my mind, I peruse social media. I don’t really think there is a worse thing I could do in those moments. When we scroll through social media we are seeing the highlight reel of everyone else’s life. We post the good stuff and we typically don’t share the deep raw stuff. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. I know that I said this was my most personal blog post and it is because I’m trying to make depression a not so taboo topic. This isn’t a post to say that we need to be more transparent on social media which is why I will not go into detail of when, where, why and what has caused this dark time for me. Let’s be honest some people share TOO much on Facebook, amirite? Some things should be kept within your very smallest of circles. Which leads me to my next point…

We have GOT to start being more intentional with one another. When people ask you “have you talked to so-and-so lately?” how about we STOP saying “I keep up with them on Facebook.” and START saying “yeah, we had coffee the other day.” Or maybe schedule a phone date if you can’t meet in person. A time where you actually chat with someone…a time when you can hear their voice and they can hear yours. Am I sounding too old here??? Now I know that we can’t be intentional with everyone we know but how about, when someone crosses our mind, we reach out to them. And if you are someone that is struggling, talk to somebody. Chances are they need someone to chat with or vent to just as much as you do.

So to sum this up from all sides…To my first point, stop assuming that everyone else has a perfect life. I say this as I preach to myself…I’ve got to keep myself from believing the lie that no one else struggles like I do and I’ve got to stop believing that there is something wrong with me if I do struggle. But also I say to you, don’t be fooled. Let me be an example of the false truths that are presented online because I’m pretty sure, prior to this post, no one in a million years would EVER suspect me to battle depression. And to my second point, no matter which side of this you are on, be intentional and present with your friends and family. They need you and you need them. We need each other because we were built for community.